Are You A “Good” Leader? That Might Be the Problem

WHEN I speak to a room of leaders, I like to start with a quick show of hands.

How many would say they’re a bad leader? No hands. Good. How many think they’re exceptional, one of the best to ever do it? A few brave souls, usually with a laugh. And how many would put themselves somewhere in the middle, pretty good to very good?

That’s where most hands go up. And honestly, that’s where mine goes up too.

When Good Stops Being Enough

Here’s the catch. That “pretty good” is exactly where the trouble usually starts right now.

For most of our careers, good was plenty. Show up prepared, communicate clearly enough, hit your numbers, and treat people fairly. Success. In a stable world that adds up to a solid leader and a steady team. But we’re not leading in a stable world anymore. Economic whiplash, AI anxiety, restructuring, burnout, or the news alert that makes a 23-year-old wonder if their job will exist in two years. Uncertainty is the operating environment now.

And uncertainty changes the math. My team and The Harris Poll surveyed more than 2,000 employees about their leaders, and the finding that stuck with me is now on a sticky note on my desk: uncertainty multiplied by good leadership doesn’t produce good outcomes. It produces a slow rise in anxiety, a creeping complacency and a quiet drift. Not a collapse. Nobody calls a meeting about it. It’s the erosion you don’t notice until trust has already thinned.

What I Learned in a Parking Lot

I learned this the hard way, and not in a boardroom.

Late last year I taught my daughter Avi to drive. Picture an empty parking lot. No traffic, no danger, just the two of us and a lot of nerves. She started out confidently. I was the problem. Every time she took a turn a little fast, I grabbed the door handle. Every sharp breath I took, she paused. My white knuckles weren’t keeping her safe; they were teaching her to freeze. She went from learning to surviving, in an empty lot, with the one person who most wanted her to succeed sitting right beside her.

It hit me halfway through that lesson: I do this to my team. Not on purpose. I care about them, same as I care about Avi. But when I lead from my own anxiety, it travels. People feel it, they tighten up, and the very capability I need from them shrinks.

That’s what good leaders tend to miss.

The Mirror

So, here’s the mirror I’d hold up. Three questions, and they’re harder than they look.

Do the people you lead feel that what matters to them is valued, not just what they produce? In our research, 35% of employees under good leaders feel their work is appreciated. Only 16% feel that what’s important to them, as a person, is valued. Those are two different things. One says, “nice job on the task.” The other says, “I know what you’re working toward, and I see how this connects to it.” Good leaders are reliably strong at the first; most never get to the second. Good leaders praise the work; exceptional leaders ask what someone cares about beyond it, then connect the work back to that answer.
Do they feel heard? Only 19% of employees under good leaders say yes. Sit with that. Four out of five people in your meetings don’t feel heard by you. Usually, it has nothing to do with the leader being callous. A lot of us were taught early that professional means impersonal. Don’t let them see you sweat. So, we armor up. And the thing about armor is that it works both ways. It keeps people from reading us, and it keeps us from taking in what they’re trying to say. Good leaders ask, “how’s it going” and accept “fine.” Exceptional leaders ask, “what do you need from me?” and stay quiet long enough to hear the real answer.
Do they feel they’re growing? At 14%, this is the lowest score of all. Most people under good leaders have stopped believing there’s a future worth investing in where they are. They aren’t complaining. Rather, they’re quietly saving their best energy for somewhere that sees their potential. Where a good leader explains what’s changing, an exceptional one shows each person how the change includes them and what their future looks like in it.

None of those gaps show up in a quarterly engagement score until it’s too late. That’s what makes these gaps so easy to miss.

The Leaders No One Worries About

I want to be direct about something, because it’s easy to soften. If you’re a competent, well-meaning, dependable leader, you’re exactly the person this is written for. The leaders I worry about most aren’t the ones who are obviously struggling. It’s the good ones, precisely because no one thinks to worry about them, including themselves.

The Heart Work Can Be Taught

The good news is that the distance between good and exceptional isn’t a talent gap but a training gap. These skills are learnable. Today, they’re the heart work of leadership, and not one of them requires charisma or a preference for extraversion.
Ingraining new habits is about starting small. In this case, start with gratitude, which our research found is the single biggest differentiator between good and exceptional leaders. Retire “great job, team.” Try “I noticed what you did in that meeting, and it mattered.” Name the behavior, name the impact, and make it personal. Then go further. Have one conversation this week that isn’t about tasks. Ask someone where they want to grow, and how what you’re building together connects to that. Then actually listen to the answer.

I’ve come to believe the leader makes the weather. In a parking lot or a team meeting, the same rule holds. Create a climate of tension and watch people hunker down. Offer calm and watch them start to drive.

Good used to be good enough; it isn’t anymore. The difference isn’t the storm, it’s who’s steering the ship.

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David Grossman is founder and CEO of The Grossman Group, a leadership and communication consultancy. His latest book, The Heart Work of Modern Leadership: 6 Differentiators of Exceptional Leaders, is an Amazon #1 Best Seller and is available now.
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