Disagreement is not a problem to avoid but a skill to master. In every healthy organization, disagreement is a sign that people care enough to think deeply and speak up. What separates great leaders from everyone else is not whether they disagree but how they do it. Recent research from Harvard Business Review by Julia Minson, Hanne Collins, and Michael Yeomans offers practical insight into what makes some disagreements constructive while others turn toxic. Their findings confirm what I’ve seen across decades of coaching leaders: the way you communicate during a disagreement determines whether it becomes a turning point or a dead end.
What This Looks Like in Practice
Constructive disagreement means exchanging differing perspectives in a way that strengthens relationships and decisions. It requires language and behavior that build mutual respect, curiosity, and understanding, especially when emotions are high. The goal is to create progress, not division.
The Core Ideas Behind It
Minson and her co-authors found that thinking empathetically or telling yourself to “stay open-minded” doesn’t change much if your words and tone don’t show it. We cannot read minds. The other person only experiences what we say and how we say it. A leader’s inner intentions only matter when they become observable behavior. In practice, that means expressing curiosity, acknowledging others’ points, and signaling respect through language, not just emotion.
This kind of behavioral discipline depends on emotional intelligence.
The first two components, self-awareness and self-regulation, sit at the heart of how leaders handle disagreement. Self-awareness is the ability to recognize what you are feeling and how those emotions shape your reactions. Self-regulation is the skill of choosing your response instead of being driven by frustration or pride. Emotions drive behavior, and behavior shapes perception. The most effective leaders are able to step outside of themselves, observe what is happening in the moment, and adjust before the situation escalates.
Two common breakdowns the research highlights.
The first is the intention-to-behavior gap, when you mean to stay calm and curious but end up interrupting or defending your position. Second, is the behavior-to-perception gap, when you think you’re being reasonable but the other person interprets your tone as dismissive or sarcastic. Leaders fall into both traps when they assume good intent will speak for itself. It doesn’t. Intent must be translated into behavior that others can see, hear, and trust.
Closing these gaps requires more than technique, it requires self-control.
You cannot manage the tone of a meeting until you can manage the tone of your own emotions. High-EQ leaders practice noticing their internal state before they speak. They slow down long enough to understand what’s driving their reaction, then respond in a way that keeps the conversation productive. That is the essence of self-regulation.
Disagreements often unravel not because of what people believe but because of the words they choose.
The research shows that specific language choices, phrases that convey curiosity, humility, or shared purpose, consistently produce better outcomes. The good news is that language can be learned, practiced, and refined.
How to Put It to Work
1. Signal a genuine desire to learn.
Curiosity disarms defensiveness. Simply saying, “I see this differently. Help me understand how you’re thinking about it,” can change the entire tone of a conversation. You’re not giving up your point of view; you’re showing respect for theirs. When people feel heard, they become more willing to listen in return.
2. Acknowledge what you heard.
Even when you disagree, acknowledgment shows that you were listening. A simple phrase like, “I hear that you’re concerned about the workload, and that makes sense,” validates the other person’s perspective without conceding your own. It’s one of the easiest ways to lower tension, yet it’s often overlooked in the heat of debate.
3. Find and name common ground.
Step back and look for shared goals. Maybe you disagree on method but not on purpose. You might say, “We both want this project to succeed. Let’s talk about the best path forward.” Stating that shared goal aloud reminds both sides that you’re on the same team.
4. Show humility through your phrasing.
Confidence matters, but certainty can sound arrogant. Phrases such as “From my perspective…” or “I might be wrong, but here’s how I see it” convey both competence and openness. Research shows that this kind of language makes people appear more intelligent and trustworthy, not less.
5. Share the story behind your belief.
When disagreements hinge on facts or data, people tend to argue harder. But stories connect at a deeper level. Explaining why you hold a view, what experience shaped it, invites empathy. “When I led a similar project years ago, we struggled with the same issue. Here’s what we learned,” turns debate into dialogue.
Why This Matters for Leaders
For leaders, the lesson is clear: disagreement is not something to suppress. It’s something to coach. If everyone on your team always agrees, it’s a warning sign. It means people are withholding ideas, avoiding risk, or protecting their comfort. Productive disagreement fuels innovation, helps teams avoid blind spots, and builds stronger trust when handled skillfully.
At the center of this is psychological safety, the belief that people can speak up, share opposing views, and admit mistakes without fear of punishment or ridicule. When psychological safety is strong, disagreement becomes a normal and healthy part of decision-making. When it is weak, even small differences can feel threatening. Leaders create safety by staying calm, showing curiosity, and modeling respect when tension rises. Those moments signal whether the culture is truly safe for honest dialogue.
Bringing It All Together
Constructive disagreement begins with a simple shift. Focus on understanding instead of convincing. Effective leaders work to improve the quality of thinking in the room. Words are the most powerful lever you have. When you show genuine interest in another person’s view, acknowledge what you hear, find common ground, hedge your certainty, and share your story, you transform disagreement into collaboration.
In my own work with executive teams, the most effective leaders are not the ones who always get their way.
They’re the ones who create an environment where debate leads to insight and where people feel safe to challenge them. They combine emotional intelligence with skillful communication. Great leaders understand that self-awareness and self-regulation are what make productive disagreement possible. They know that disagreement, handled well, is how learning happens and how great decisions get made.
I recently built a new landing page highlighting my updated sessions, created with association leaders in mind, but filled with insights that apply to any organization or business.
These programs focus on the future of leadership, building strong cultures, and executing strategy with clarity and discipline. I was honored to share this material at the ASAE Conference, where I was also inducted into the Speakers Hall of Fame.
