I didn’t need to take a happiness survey at my first job in a retail store to know I was miserable. My unhappiness was what spurred my interest in becoming an FBI agent.
I also didn’t need to take a survey to know that I’m happiest when I’m splashing paint on a canvas to create artwork or when I’m spending time with my puppy, Roscoe.
Given a choice, most of us would spend our time on the things that make us happy. The study of happiness has grown into a mainstream commercial powerhouse, generating millions of book sales and inspiring TikTok life coaches and TED Talks.
As a result, we’ve been led to believe that the pursuit of happiness is the most important thing in life. This has led to confusion because a far more fundamental question is this: Is it desirable for us to spend our lives seeking happiness? Or is there a deeper quest that uses the term happiness merely as a litmus test for the real thing?
It can be confusing for leaders because the reality is this: much of our lives consists of things we don’t particularly want to do, such as firing a colleague, disciplining an employee or cutting budgets. Much of life is obligatory and not meant to spark joy.
The definition of a happy leader needs to extend well beyond someone who is always laughing and full of fun. Being a happy leader is not about forced cheerfulness that ignores painful realities.
How do we conflate the constant exhortation to be happy with the drudgery that accompanies responsibilities and duty? Let’s take a closer look at what happiness really means and how it can make you a more effective leader:
1. Distinguish between happiness and positive thinking
Positive thinking can lead to contentment, joy and satisfaction because it changes how you interpret your life, expands your inner resources over time and literally shifts your brain and body toward calm, connection and hope.
The idea of positive thinking for leaders has existed for decades, championed by Napoleon Hill and Norman Vincent Peale. Building on their work, Martin Seligman introduced the Positive Psychology movement. This research revealed a critical distinction between thoughts and emotions. While both thoughts and emotions originate in our brains, we feel emotions throughout our bodies. And once the body is revved up by an emotion, it sends signals to the brain to match it with other similar emotions.
So if there is a negativity loop in your brain, you will continue to seek out instances that confirm your negative emotion. If, however, there is a positivity loop in your brain, you will seek out and find other emotions that confirm your positive response.
The key distinction between happiness and positive thinking is that happiness is an emotion that reflects how we feel right now, whereas positive thinking is a mindset that continually shapes our responses and our view of our circumstances, both negative and positive, as we move forward.
The trap of “happy” leadership leads to the pursuit of keeping everyone happy. This can lead to soft standards and a reluctance to disappoint people. It can lead to toxic positivity. By contrast, a positive thinking leader can be uncomfortable yet still engage with hard truths, conflict and sacrifice. They keep their feet grounded in reality.
My tips:
Notice where “keeping people happy” is quietly driving your leadership. Ask yourself: “If I weren’t afraid of disappointing someone, what decision would I make?”
When you anticipate a hard conversation, practice positive thinking by rehearsing a truthful and hopeful script: “This will be uncomfortable, but it’s a chance for us both to grow.”
Intentionally engage in more positive thinking. Identify the areas of your life where you usually think negatively, whether it’s at work, during your daily commute, with life changes or in a relationship. You can start small by focusing on one area and approaching it more positively. Replace a negative thought with a positive one to manage your stress.
2. Embrace what you can control
Life involves suffering. However, disappointment and suffering are not always caused by your circumstances. They can be caused by the gap between your circumstances and your expectations. Close that gap, and you can remove the primary cause of most of your anxiety.
Stop asking, “Will this achievement make me permanently happy?” and start asking: “Is the pursuit itself something I would enjoy?” Organize your priorities around something that’s worth pursuing. You may still want another outcome, but the key is to want things that bring satisfaction and joy along the way.
Research by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi found that people in the “flow” are so fully immersed in the task that they often lose track of time as they merge action and awareness, lose self-consciousness and feel in control. They genuinely experience pleasure. They don’t say things like “this will have been worth it” or “I’ll feel good when I’m done.” Instead, they experience pleasure now, while it’s happening.
My tips:
Clarify your controllables at the start of each week: your effort, your preparation, the clarity of your communication and the way you treat people. Let go of the rest.
When a setback hits, ask your team three questions: “What’s true? What’s under our control? What’s our next small step?” This keeps them out of helplessness and in agency.
Pick pursuits where the daily act of doing them is intrinsically meaningful: learning, building, making, training, solving problems or helping others.
3. Choose to be grateful
Gratitude is a nice, wholesome word that feels a bit like my miniature Labradoodle snuggling up next to me on the couch. But it’s not quite that easy.
Gratitude is a contrast effect. To feel grateful for X, you have to realize what life would be like if X were absent. Gratitude is impossible if what you experience is something you believe is owed to you. If you start from the premise that life is designed to satisfy you, you will spend your days furious at its frequent failure.
When we are genuinely grateful, comfort becomes our norm. Here is the thing: it is difficult to be grateful and negative at the same time. Both emotions can be present, but our brain responds to the dominant state of mind. When we intentionally practice gratitude, we can interrupt and soften our negativity.
Research shows that positive emotions broaden attention and thinking, helping you see more options, solutions and good in your circumstances. Gratitude is the most powerful emotion in the world. Why? It allows you to love not only yourself, but others as well.
My tips:
Be honest about what is broken, and continue to cultivate gratitude for what is good. Over time, practicing gratitude tends to widen and deepen, so negativity has less power, even if it still shows up.
Start or end key meetings with a brief gratitude round: each person shares one concrete thing they are thankful for in the team or the work. Keep it specific and optional, never forced.
Make gratitude specific, not generic: thank people for specific behaviors that reflect your values — courage, honesty, extra effort and kindness under pressure. That teaches what matters.
Leaders are often confused by the modern obsession with “being happy” because much of real life and leadership involves hard, unglamorous, sometimes painful duties that do not feel joyful in the moment. Instead of chasing constant happiness or trying to keep everyone pleased, leaders should distinguish between happiness and positive thinking, embrace what they can control and practice gratitude.
Opinions expressed by SmartBrief contributors are their own.
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